running through life...!

running through life...!

Saturday, December 24, 2011

                     LOST AND FOUND...

                                  It was just one of those days... When nothing was going right. I am sure all of us, at some point of time go through this when it feels as if, the whole world is conspiring against us, trying with all their worth to make our life miserable and bad to worse. You reach just a couple of minutes late and you miss the bus, your boss fires you for no reason, your friends seem to be unusually busy with their own lives, you lose your wallet with all the possible cards inside, your boyfriend/girlfriend...well, I better not get into that... I am so prejudiced right now. The point is, the world just seems unfair.
                                    Its O.K to get these days once in a while but when these happen in an unusual succesion, then you seriously start questioning your own beliefs. And belive me, Exams are just a cherry on top. How can somebody judge you when you yourself are in such a miserable state of mind. That friends is a perfect recipe for disaster.
                                     Anyways, after facing the anxiety, anticipation and disappointment and living in no man's land for the last four months, I finally decided to take matters in my own hands and address some serious issues which I had been putting off since long. Maybe I was afraid to face them or maybe because I was afraid to accept the fact that I could ever be stuck in such a pathetic situation in life. So I decided to take a walk. There was a void inside me, a vaccum and I just could'nt figure out what I had lost.
There are four stages of coming to terms with the reality.....whatever that might be- Denial, Anger, Grief and lastly Acceptance.
                                         I guess all the terms are self explainatory and I am damn sure each of us is at some stage or the other at this very moment. I was finally on the terminal stage and it was about time I searched a cause for my despair. When I think retrospectively, I realise that all these seemingly tedious and apparently overwhelming problems were present since time immemorial and life was still going on. So what has really changed ? And then it struck me, out of the bluemoon, in that eureka moment I realised that it was not the world that was becoming worse to live in, it was me who was becoming incapable of fighting the odds, swimming against the tide, making things happen. That void inside me once contained the passion to live life which I seem to have lost in the recent past.  Just because we face failure in one little square of life, we let the negativity percolate into other squares as well. We let such petty things screw us up when we would've been able to handle them so easily prior to giving in to such negativism. Life is an active  process and the problem starts when we turn passive and let things happen to us instead of making things happen.
                                      There is an altogether different kind of charm to people who live with a passion in life. They love everything they do. Their heart is in the right place. They have the power to turn destiny around and take adversity in its face. This is what sets them apart from common people like us. Their succes is effortless, one of its kind. If we look at all the successful poeple in their respective fields, we'll realise that even after all these years of being successful, they still have that passion of improving themselves and making life more meaningful. A cricketer should always have that same spark in his eyes that he had when he made his debut, a lawyer should always be delighted to see a courtroom full of people, a couple should always love each other the same way when they first realised they love each other and a doctor should treat each and every patient of his with the same zest he had when he first entered the gates of a medschool.
                                            There will be days when you wake up in the morning, hoping that atleast this day will be better than yesterday, with a firm belief that nothing worse can possibly happen now and by the time you go to bed, life shows you just how much can go wrong and how much you have to lose. But inspite of all this, you must believe you can do this. It doesnt matter how often you have failed in the past, what matters is focusing on what you want and taking consistent action towards it. Learn to put a smile on your face and give it all you have. Because believe it or not people, this world does not have any place for the emotionally dead. You will eventually be replaced by someone who chose to live passionately.
                                            I know its easier said than done and some events alter you as a person-- emotionally and psychologically. Some part of you just dies when life unexpectedly brings your way the harsh reality of this world. We can never be the same again, that side of our personality is lost forever. But believe me, we have no option but to gather ourselves  up , pick up the broken pieces and start all over again. Because the worst reality of all is that Life goes on... It is equally true that you cannot pretend to be happy all the time, especially in front of poeple who know you well but you can just hope that someday, the pretending will become your habit and then your nature and maybe, just maybe you will be able to forget what altered you.
                                           Its not easy to differentiate the squares of life, but pretending is atleast better than not trying at all. There is no alternate way to live life or rather should I say, a fruitful life. We cannot be on the plateau of excitement forever but its not fair to be on the nadir of depression either. Life deserves a second chance, even though it doesnt give us any. Just try to eternally ride the crest of an optimistic wave and hope that life brings our way something beautiful and worth cherishing. Life cannot exist without hope. Whatever you do, never lose that baby... coz its going to see you through the toughest of times.

So, just take a walk and hope for the best...!
Stop existing and start living.

                                                                           GOOD  LUCK...
                                                                            Take care.

Monday, October 10, 2011

                                   The  Forbidden  Fruit

                            Have you ever wondered why doing things we are not supposed to do gives us so much pleasure? Visiting places we are not supposed to go, eating things we are not supposed to eat or talking to people we are not supposed to talk. All these things encompass a totally different world called the forbidden planet. It gives us this sadistic pleasure to break rules, to defy authority, to do something unusual, unthinkable, unimaginable. There is an adrenaline rush, everytime we do something that we  know shouldnt be done.
                             Maybe thats why Harry Potter's deadliest and most thrilling adventures took place in the Forbidden Forest. That is why drinking and driving is such a rage and most vehicles are parked in the no parking zone. Probably thats the exact reason why the initial part of relationships are so exciting and  memorable. Its like - You have a world of your own, which is out  of everyone's reach and people can just speculate and guess. Sneaking out of the house under the pretext of meeting friends, the lies about the extra classes, those awkward glances, eyefights, stolen kisses, hoping that nobody noticed.... Believe me, that High is by no means reproduceble by any amount of narcotics..!
                             The forbidden world takes a different meaning altogether in college life, especially when exams are sitting on your head. It is a time when everything else except studying is forbidden and that is exactly why we have a craving of doing everything other than studies. Living in a fantasy world, with hypothetical situations, unrealistic characters and daydreaming about the most pathetic of circumstances is a strict no-no , even without exams, let alone on the day of the exam. But yes, you guessed it right, I end up doing exactly that... (please, please someone tell me you also do that or else I'll die of shame...! ) I guess there is a heightened sense of mental awareness which makes us so vulnerable and think of all that stuff. Whatever it is....anyways, the point is, its not supposed to be done.
                                There is another side to all this forbidden funda... Agreed that it is fun to go against the rules, break laws and defy authorities but what if you yourself are the authority. How difficult or for that matter how easy is it, to give in to the temptations....? You see a beautiful dress in the shop... you know its perfect for you,its exactly what you wanted since ages.......but you cant afford it. You meet a random person in know he is not going to be there forever, he is not even compatible with you...he is someone else's boyfriend, he likes someone else, you know you are not supposed to fall in love..... but can we prevent it completely?? Even if we do control the temptation, the chances of living in regret of not buying that dress or not conveying your feelings to that person are pretty high.
                               People say that life is all about making the right choices at the right time. I say, its all about having that tad bit of extra self control and not giving in to such petty temptations that life will always bring our way. Believe me, it takes real strength of character to say no, and more so, to move on in life rather than sitting and brooding over the fact wondering whether you made the right coice or not. Because you know what, you will never know unless you move on and live life to the fullest. Life cannot be lived backwards...and this is a rule no one can defy... Do not sit and regret over those decisions, instead, be proud of yourself that you didnt give in to the temptations.....coz you know what, loads are coming your way... its your choice which ones to succumb to.
               Finally, as the tag line goes....... CHOOSE WISELY, LIVE WELL...!

                                                                                       Good luck folks,

                                                                                        Take care.

Monday, July 25, 2011


                          After breaking my head over what I've written and after thinking about it for what seemed like an eternity, I am finally able to clear the mindblock and actually write something. I guess I'll be the first and the only person to contradict her own writing. Anyways... so, here we go...
                            I sincerely believe we are made by the people we meet in this beautiful journey of life. A lot of people have an intangible influence over our life, our decisions and our personality. Everybody lives. But what determines the quality of life we live, are the people surrounding us. Not neccesarily they have to be related to us or we have to be friends with them. Even a person as remote as the bus conductor we meet everyday or the person who sits next to you in class or your bookshop vendor who somehow remembers all your likes and dislikes in terms of literature, touch your life knowingly or unknowingly. There is great comfort in finding all the usual people in there usual places.
                             If this is the case with such apparently insignificant people then you can imagine the influence of people who are or were a part of your life by your own choice. Friends, girlfriends, boyfriens, ex, current and so on.... Invariably most of us have a bad memory or sadness surrounding that person when he/she leaves us. Howmuchever difficult it seems to maintain co-ordial relations with your 'so called' ex, believe me, its not  impossible. Ofcourse  the circumstances under which the seperation took place is most often the deciding factor but more often than not, there is always some awkwardness when life decides to cross our paths again. Why cant we just accept the simple fact that people evolve, relatinships evolve and we are bound to grow out of certain phases in our lives.
                             I have a firm belief that each and every person we meet in life has a definite purpose, whether he comes for a reason or a lifetime. We may not see it at the onset but when we think retrospectively, it all fits. Its like reinforcing the saying that- "whatever happens, happens for the good."
And like I had said the last time, its human nature to get used to this, to go into the comfort zone. The real problem starts  when we have to deal with the change, the seperation, the substitution. But agai, Life has to be lived dynamically. IF you manage to find  a person who is willing to evolve with you and stay with you for a lifetime, well then, nothing like it. You are certainly the world"s luckiest person !! But that doesnt mean you can underestimate the value of people who are temporarily a part of your life. Some people are lucky enough to convert the reason inti a LIFETIME.. :)
                                   Never ever fail to acknowledge the fact that life would not have been the same had you not met that person. For the fear of uncertain future, why spoil this beautiful present ? Its O.K to get addicted to someone once in a while. Bloody hell, deal with your addiction later. Live in the moment. Life is happening.... Right here... right now... Make the most of it.
                                     All that said and done, th best part of  humans - the uniqueness with which we all try to make a mark in this world is what sets us apart. Nobody and I mean absolutely nabody in our lives can be replaced. However cleche` it may sound but we truly dont understand the value of someone untill one fine day that person is not a part of our lives. And unfortunately, it is too late by the time we realise it. So, I guess it is a good idea to let someone know how much you value him/her in your life, how glad you are that your paths crossed, how quintessentially thankful you are to GOD for this creation of His, who made some part of your miserable life just a tad bit bearabe.
                                    Its O.K to lower your threshold just a bit and taste the sweet lure of addiction. After all, its your life and it rarely gives a second chance. So friends, grab it with both hands-- But do make sure that the person is worth it.

                                                                                            Thats all for now,
                                                                                             Hope to write again soon,
                                                                                             Have a nice day...!

 P.S-  Do write in a comment, whether you  agree or disagree... your comments will be taken sportingly....

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


              The title invariably reminds us of Alcohol, cigarrettes, Drugs and all the probable material stuff that a person can get addicted to. But if we choose to observe carefully, life is full of subtle addictions that can sometimes be more damaging than smoke and booze. I am speaking of an addiction which is equally fatal, if not more, and that is an addiction of people.
                                    Ofcourse, the intensity varies from person to person. It is strikingly evident in cases of broken relationships or even for that matter , in  friendships that didnt work out. sometimes, people just fall apart for no apparent reason. Some of us are able to move on very easily after the initial jerks but for some, it is a daunting task indeed. I have come across people who take the 'parting of ways' as a natural course of a relationship and move on, sooner than expected. And I have also seen people who have an exceedingly long mourning period. According to me, both are abnormal. The former denotes that the person was never really participating in that relationship with his heart and soul and the latter shows that the person is so Head over Heels that every feeling, every emotion of his life is invariably connected with a single individual. As if, nothing else matters to him in life. Which is bullshit......
                                          The grief comes from losing a person but more importantly it comes from the fact that we are suddenly thrown out of our comfort zone. All of a sudden, you realise that now there is no one who can anticipate your every move, your every mood. We are inadvertantly addicted to such a person who can read our mind, follow our thoughts and accompany us through the difficult terrain of life. and its not neccessary that the person should be able to do all this. A recent event made me realise that love is not when we like a person because he/she is good, true love is when you know that the person has some bad qualities and inspite of that fact you like him/her, irrespective of what the world says. Whatever the reason, when this beautiful world of fantasy is struck by the stone of reality, everything comes crashing down, and then starts the withdrawal period.
                                                When we get addicted to someone, we end up giving him the ultimate power to destroy us. I wonder whether it is even possible to be disconnected and still maintain a relationship. I mean, to be with a perso and still not get addicted to him/her. For that, you need to be an exceptionally evolved human being or a highly ignorant person. To maintain that kind of distance is especially difficult for people who have extremes of personality, meaning that if these people love, they'll do it with whole of their heart and soul and if they hate, they'll hate with every ounce of guts they have. No middle ground.
                                                But if you ask me, why to unnecessarily fall into this addiction crap? cant we just skip the ugly stuff and enjoy every moment as it comes? Maybe the answer is that simple. Being a coffee addict myself, I can tell you that if someone asks me to consume only 2 cups instead of the usual 5, I'll definitely go into withdrawal...! Similarly, a baby doesnt know how much sugar is sweet and how much is less sweet. We are responsible for formulating our perceptions. It is for us to decide how much is too much. We have to draw a line somewhere.
                                                   Then there is also the fact that people change, their priorities change. You cannot possibly expect that you will have the topmost priority in someone's life all the time. We have this irrational belief and groundless hope that nothing will ever change. The emotion you feel towards a person is dependant on the perceptions you hold at that point of time. Then, invariably there is anger, frustration and desperation if your feelings are not reciprocated by the other person.
                                             All that said and done, its human to expect. We all have a certain degree of expectations from people and from situations. It needs immense amount of self control not to fall into this addiction trap. Everybody knows the adverse effects of smoking and alcohol still people indulge into it. Same way, we all know that it is not a good idea to get addicted to someone but still we cant help it....!!!!!!!!!
 All that I am saying is-- there should be some moderation.

Sunday, March 20, 2011


                                                        EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED

                                       The worst part of being in a med school is that life becomes exceedingly boring and monotonous. Especially  in final year , when we have to follow this super duper boring schedule of lecture-posting- and infinite library hours... This pathetic little charade is all the more difficult when you are a hostelite. So, you can  probably understand my state of mind when everything was just too much and I couldnt concentrate on anything that was going around. So in that desperation, I decieded to take a little break and make some space for the rest of the final year that is gonna come. It was supposed to be a cleche` train journey which I've been doing since last 3 n a half yrs, but GOD had other plans...
                                         It is so irritating when you think you know everything there is to know about something and then you suddenly realise that, "O.K, Is it like this? I didnt know that...!!!"
 After 3 n a half yrs of travelling alone and all that reservation crap, I thought I cannot possibly make a mistake in this. I mean, come on yaar, how hard is it?? It was only after I boarded the  train that I realised, an e-ticket that is not confirmed is considered invalid and the passenger is taken as travelling without ticket!! I know I know YOU must be thinking how dumb I am and I accept it dude, but  it was the first time that I was travelling on an e-ticket. This hectic final yr schedule made it impossible for me to stand in that long reserv line patiently and get get a ticket. But seriously, I took that ticket 3 weeks ago, my name was just 4th on the waiting list. I thought it will be confirmed by this time. I was the stupidest person alive on earth, to board that train without even checking conformation.
                                              So, I was sitting there, waiting for the  TC to tell me where my seat is, (so ironic, that a ticketless passenger is waiting for the TC!!!!) and when he actually came, that person gave me the shock of my life by asking me to get down on the next station coz apparently, I was without ticket. I am like, " Excuse me, I have paid 900 bucks for  this ticket, the ticket is in my hand, how can you say that I am without ticket??" Obviously I was still living in some dream world of my own, completely oblivious to the fact that my fellow passengers were actually concerned with my foolishness.
                                             Now that the TC had  asked me to get down on the next station, I was starting to panic a little bit. It took a full 5 min for that info to sink in. People nearby started giving me all sorts of horrible options which I couldnt even think of accepting. I was almost in tears, thinking what to do, where to go, whom to call, when I suddenly remembered my conversation witha senoir that morning. While speaking, as a matter of fact, I told him that I am leaving for home today. He said,"you know what?? Even I am going to your hometown  today itself." I was like, so surprised and asked just out of curiosity, "For what?" He said, " I am accopanying a friend of mine. Even he lives there." (he will actually kill me if I write for what they were going..!!!)
                                               Both of them had reservations on another train which left 1 hr after my train left and, the route of the train was the same. I just frantically searched for his number and called him, "Hello?? please tell me you are in that train.." I quickly told him whatever drama was  happening with me. He replied in a stuttering voice, "Actually, the thing is, I got late and I missed the train."
  Perfect!!! That small little ray of hope I had of getting down on a station and boarding another train was washed out in an instant. I mean these were actually two poles apart in a spectrum of foolishness. At one end I am the one without reservation boarding a train and at the other end was this frnd who had confirm reserv but still missed the train!!! I mean how hilarious is that?? I was actually stunned for a moment, I thought I've forgotten how to string two words together to make a sentence. Just then, my frnd said, "Hello?? are you there?? Listen, that friend of mine, whom I was supposed to accompany has infact boarded the train and he has both our reservations. You can get down on the next station and board his train." This was actually music to my ears. I took that  third person's ph no. frm my frnd and was just debating what to do coz even if I did get down on the station, the fact still remained that I had to wait on a lonely platform, alone for 45 min, at 10 pm in night. That thought sent shivers down my spine. But apparently, I had no other option but to call him And it seemed quite awkward, asking for a favour from a stranger. It was all extremely inappropriatebut I called him anyways. I introduced myself and said, "Is it O.K if I get down on the station and board your train?" ( not that I had any option but still, courtesy demands...) But I must say, that conversation really relived my tension to some extent. He said, " ya, no problem, get down on the station, dont panic, just stay calm and I'll see to everything else."
                                         So then, I got down on that wierd station, not knowing what to do, with people staring at me. I called up a friend of mine and asked her to keep speaking to me. That was the only way I could've prevented myself from going into a panic attack. Coz my parents were freaked out, calling every 10 min, my frnd was freaked out and well, I was so emotionally numbed that I failed to react to such a situation if you can imagine.
                                         Finally after 45 min, that train arrived and I suddenly realised, dude, how am I gonna recognise this person?? I hav never seen him in my entire life... The train stopped and I was staring into nothingness... an ocean of people and not a single familiar face around. In that moment I understood the gravity of the situation I was facing. I called up this person to ask where exactly he was and just then, I saw someone waving at me. For a moment, I looked at him and thought_ wow, actually someone knows me here. This is like, Divine Intervention.( now I think of it, I forgot to ask him how he recognised me.)  Very elegantly, this person came upto me and asked me, "Hello... How are you?'' I was  like, dude, I was practically stranded on this stupid platform for last 45 min... how should I be??? But then again, courtesy demands- to be polite. I said, " I am fine, thanks." Like a gentleman, he helped me carry my luggage in the train. We setteled down. I had to make quite a few ph calls to freaked out people to tell them I was actually inside a train once again. He asked me, "Dd you have your dinner??" Then I realised I hadnt eaten anything since afternoon. Not that I was hungry or anything, this action packed evening was enough to give me an adrenaline rush. I couldnt even remotely think of food. Again, very sweetly, he pulled out a dairy milk from his bag and gave it to me. Even in all those bizzare turn of events, I couldnt help but notice that the guy was actually very cute.
                                                            Then when I was finally calm and quite, we started speaking. Just random  stuff. How come I know his frnd and about my coollege and his work and basically everything under the sun. Such an easy going personality he was. After a couple of hours we decided to call it a day. He went back to sleep nd I was too mesmerised at my luck to fall asleep. All the events of that day kept flashing in my head . I couldnt even imagine what I would've done if this person was not in this train right now. This was actually such a filmy co-incidence. I mean, when I thought of it retrospectively, me boarding a train(app without ticket), by chance meeting my friend in college, telling him that I was going home, both of them deciding to go that day itself, same place as me, then worst of all, my friend missing the train... I mean....... this happens only in movies... Finally I fell asleep out of sheer physical tiredness. I woke up after a couple of hrs  and realised that its still a long way for our destination to come. I couldnt sleep after that.
                                                                    I actually thought of waking up that person coz I was getting so bored but again, you cannot violate anyone's personal space especially when you've met that person just 5-6 hrs back! So I listened to songs on my i-pod, n watched as the stations went by...
 After an eternity, this fellow wakes up and I suddenly realise that our journey is gonna end in half an hr or so. I was kinda feeling wierd but we always board a train to reach somewhere and we have to get down when the station comes:)   I was requesting, rather pleading to him to take the reservation money but he kept saying no. Then finally, when we got down on the station, very smartly this fellow says to me, " You might repay me the monetary cost of that reservation which I gave you last night, but can you tell me, what was the value o me, being in that train on that particular day and helping you out ??"
                                                                     I was again speechless. I know you cannot repay such favours with money. I consider myself extraordinarily lucky to have found this guy on train that day and the fact that I found a friend for lifetime..:) But I do hope that I get a chance to repay the favour....

                                                                           thats it folks............. i never thought something like this will happen to me but it did..........! life always has something interesting up its sleeve........ never underestimate destiny........

Sunday, March 13, 2011



                                        I really wonder how to go about this but after many half written, discarded articles and after wasting  loads of papers I  have come to a conclusion that its about time I  write whatever is  actually going on in my  cranial vault rather than make up fantasy tales. So, here we go---
                                          Every  human being wants to be loved , wants to be appreciated and wishes that someone should care for him. That is like, the basic human instinct. Inherently, we have  this uncanny urge to feel protected all the time. Mentally, physically, financially...  Right from the day we were born, we cry out to be the centre of attraction and appreciation  for  everyone ( O.K, I know the baby has to cry to take his first breath- overdose of Gynaec posting, seriously....! )
                                          Anyway, the point is, we all are by default attention seekers. Have you ever noticed, when there are kids around and if nobody speaks to them for a while, they start howling, or shouting or asking stupid questions, till we acknowledge them. Now, lets not get into what their adult counterparts do ! I guess we are all well versed with what attention seekers do in a not so subtle way. Coming from a very openminded and sort of a modern amily, I was always allowed to choose my own path in pretty much everything in life. Since time immemorial, I have taken all my decisions single handedly. I kindof wish now that I should've taken a bit more time to grow up. Now that I see everyone potraying themselves as confused and weak and doubtful and getting all the help they need readily, I seriously wonder is the way I've been living, really the right way to go about it. I mean, I literally thrive on the saying 'live and let live'... rarely interested in whats going on around me and what everybody else is doing and  least interested in 'following the crowd' so as to say. Hesitency and Confusion are really not my companions but I do feel life would've  been so much different ( for better or for worse ) if I would've decieded to take some advice and not be adamant on my own rigid  ideas.
                                         But now I guess its too late coz usually people like me have this tag on us that says-- 'Independent, untouchable, Unapproachable and Having a chip on our shoulder(attitude problem) !! I mean this is f*****g  crazy!!! Yet true, unfortunately. It usually  goes like -- 'Oh!! she, dont worry about her, she'll take care of herself, she'll manage. People literally take it  for granted that I cannot possibly have any problems or confusion what so ever. As if I have overcome all these primitive desires of human beings. Sometimes even I agree with them. Can you beat that???
                                              Anyway, people say whatever you do in life, you should not have any regrets. That is when you can move forward without any baggage. Unfortunately I have a lot of it.... I do have a lot of regrets... lots of people whom I wanted to talk to but couldnt, because of my apprehension, lots of situations, where I think I shoud've behaved differently, should've taken  a second opinion (coz the first one is always mine ! ) and invariably a lot of  unspoken, theoretical thoughts which I failed to put into practice.
                                             I know I've realised it a bit too late in life but never mind. I am trying to be receptive and reciprocate. Now that I am actually thinking about changing this scenario ( Mind you, still 'thinking'....) , isnt it tiring, to ask 10 people about the same thing, take everyone's opinion and again think about it, wasting double the amount of time???
                                                Worst is,   Most of the people around me are like-- You do what you want to do, when I ask them about something. Its like, so irritating, if I want to do what I want to do, I wouldnt've asked you na............. Plus, isnt it much easier to just stay invisible and keep living like that, instead of attracting a truck load of attention and be judged by people  who are as immaterial to you as corruption is to our politicians?? Easier for everyone right??
 O.K, I guess I am back to sqare one- where I started :) How much further I am goin  to debate on this issue I do not know........ but I guess, it must feel divine to be like a child once again........ confused, attention seeking and curious all the time....!!!

                                                                            O.k then, till next time, c ya...... take care.:)
                                                                             hope to write soon.......

Saturday, February 5, 2011



                                        It was a busy day in the office. I had a big presentation cuming up and the fact that my boss was a female didnt help at all...She was not grumpy, crappy or cranky, but she was an idealistic woman, and a perfectionist at that. There was chaos on my table and my cell phone decieded to ring. What perfect timing, I thought, but I picked it up anyways bocause it was from my cousin Manoj.
 "Hello, Ram? Are you busy?", he asked.
 " Kind of... but whats the matter?'', I asked.
 "Did u hear about  Manju aunty?
 " No, What about her??
 " I heard she is admitted in a hospital... and , she is diagnosed with terminal cancer..."
                                           I was shocked to hear this. Manju aunty was a distant relative of mine. She was my mom's cousin sister.But everybody from my family hated her. Infact, none of my relatives were even on talking terms with her. I was very yuong when all this happened so, everything I that I know about this is my mom's perspective. She told me that Manju aunty behaved in such a disgraceful manner that nobody wanted to keep relations with her. She was a mixture of Kaykayi from Ramayana and a Hindi daily soap vamp. Gossip and greed were in her blood. She never used to wish well for anybody.4-5 years back, her husband expired and she had no children to take care of her. She lived alone in a small house her husband left her , along with the pension she used to get from her husband's office.I grew up hearing all sorts of stories about her unworthy deeds but I had always associated Manju aunty with pleasant memories.
                                              As achild, whenever we used to visit her house, she used to make the world's most awesome 'Gajar ka halwa' I have ever eaten till date. She knew that it was my fav and she used to bring it withher everytime she visited.But eventually, all the relatives started  distancing themselves from her , even my mom. Ma used to scold me whenever I asked her about Manju aunty.I grew up and forgot all about that untill this phone call.Suddenly, one of my colleagues came up to me and said," Ram, conference room, 10 min... Are you ready??"
  I looked at the mess on my table and said, " Ya, almost."
  "Good. All the best. C ya..." and he left.
                                        I gathered up all my papers and my memories and  started towards the the conference room. In that moment, I had decieded to go and see her as soon as possible. By God's grace, the presentation was good, if not the best. I dont know how I pulled it off, with such a divided attention. As soon as I finished, I rushed to the hospital. When I reached there, I saw that Manju aunty's room was very crowded. All sorts of dirty ideas started to pop up in my head. Was she fine?? was she worse?? was I too late?? Just as I entered the room, I saw  acouple of doctors and about 3-4 nurses were hovering around her bed, and were talking in animated voices. I heaved a sigh of relief when I saw that aunty was leaning against a pillow and was refusing to take medicines.
The Doctors suddenly realised that I was there and stopped talking.One of them turned to me and said," Where have you been all this time? she was brought here unconcious last night. She has been diagnosed with terminal cervical cancer. We want to start the treatment but she is insisting on going home." It was such an awkward moment. I looked at aunty and then lookede at the doctors. Aunty said, " Doctor, he is not my son, he is just here to see me."
  "Oh, I am so sorry." the doctor apologised.
                                                 For a moment, everybody was staring at each other's faces. The doctor broke the silence," excuse me, but can you plese come out with me for a sec??" I followed him outside the room and down the hall in his cabin. "Hello, I am Dr. Kumar, I am the oncologist of this hospital. And may I know, who are you??" he asked.
 I introduced myself and told him that I was a distant relative. He made a grave face and continued," look, Mr. Ram, she is in the last stage of the disease. The cancer is fast metastasising, We cannot reverse the damage that has already been done but we can certainly prevent, or, should I say.. delay the damage by proper treatment. But she is refusing all treatment, even pain medications. In the absence of a family member, her conscent is of utmost importance. We are helpless without it.
                                                 That certainly was a bucket load of information. I was dumbstruck. I said," I cannot promise anything doc, but I will certainly try my level best to try and convince her. Even with the best possible treatment, how much more is she expected to live?? I just couldnt helb but ask the last bit. He said, " At the most, 2-3 years, not more than that."
 I stepped outside and started walking towards her room. What was I supposed to say to her?? We had not been in touch with her since 15-16 years. When she looked at me, she had tears in her eyes. Involuntarily, I stepped forward and grabbed her hand. She said, " Please dont tell anybody that I am here and dont tell anyone that you came to see me, or else, they will stop talking to you as well." She started crying again.
 " Oh, please aunty, dont worry about all that now. i am going to come here as long as you are here. Now, why dont you take your medicines?? Dr. Kumar is an excellent doctor, he will make you well soon."
     "You know Ram, I have done some terrible terrible things in the past. I think this is God's will to pay me back. I deserve all this suffering."
    " I dont know what happened and I dont even  intend to know. It was years ago. This is definitely not God's wish.You cannot decide your punishment."
  Even after saying all these things, she didnt budge. I sat with her for almost 3 hrs. She kept asking me about everybody. Where  was everyone? How were they? Who was married, who was not??
  " You should get married now," she told me
, " good job, good family, wht else you want?" I promised her I'll think about it.
  " You should go now. I am fine." she said.  
                                      As I left the hospital, I said to myself, even in the wildest of my dreams, I never thought that I would have to face something like this. It had become my routine to go and visit her everyday. A week had passed but I couldnt convince her to start treatment. It was unbearable to see her in so much pain. One day, after office, I was going to the hospital and I saw a small nursery of plants. Beautiful flowering plants were arranged in neat little rows. In one corner , I saw a small plant of white lilies which had 3-4 flowers. I thought of Manju aunty... she loved lilies...
I remembered this because there wer all coulours of lilies in her garden. She used to take care of them just as one would look after their child.
                                       I bought the little plant and gave it to her on reaching the hospital. She was so happy to see the plant. It was like giving a teddy bear to a little girl. She felt alive again. "These are so beautiful. Thank you.. thank you so much. But you know, these flowers blossom only for  4-5 weeks in a year, then we have to wait for a whole year  to see them again. This might be the last time I am looking at them."
  "Oh, please aunty, dont talk rubbish.... " I started saying, and then it struck me. She has to live...
   " You know what aunty, you have to take care of this plant till next year.., when it is ready to blossom again." I said.
   She seemed confused and said," But my dear, I dont think..." I knew she was in a dilemma, but I was not going to let her go without a fight.
   " Please Manju aunty, please take the medicines. You have to live. You are still needed in this world. You cannot give up so easily. And mind you, I am still waiting for that perfect 'Gajar ka halwa' all these years. Once you are out of the hospital, I am going to come every sunday to urhouse to eat that halwa, so you better be fit and fine."
  She looked at me and said, " par beta, gajar bhi toh har season mein nahi milte na....!" and we both started laughing...
                                      Manju aunty gave consent to the treatment. She was stabilized and discharged. She took care of the lily plant till it blossomed thrice and I ate gajar ka halwa for three more years... before she succumbed to the deadly disease. But I was glad that she died peacefully and guilt free.I had kept our association a secret for all those years, even from my mom. Meanwhile, I got married and took my wife to seek her blessings.
                                 I used to think, there are only two ways to fight anger. One is to take it out on the person whom you are at, and lose the person forever or to bottle it up inside and suffer the consequences yourself...untill I came across a third one...which was to let it go... and that is when it is truly gone... Relationships are like seasons... they keep changing with time, but we do have a choice here, of keeping them as it our memories... Even today, I cannot help but think of manju aunty whenevr I come across white lilies or when I am eating 'Gajar ka halwa' made by my wife, which Manju aunty had taught her.........

Thursday, January 27, 2011


                                                It was a typical tuesday morning, I was sipping coffee on the living room couch with the morning Times for company, when my wife came downstairs into the hall and said," I may not make it to dinner tonight, dont wait up, got an important news to cover." I had barely said  O.K. when she picked up an apple and was already out of the house. She worked in a news channel and I was a freelance writer, working from home. She was a perfectionist. She had the perfect job, perfect house, perfect marriage and believe it or not, a nearly perfect husband!!! But all that seemed like a distant past now. Looking at the sorry state of affairs, I just wish I had a time machine to go back in the past.
                                                I think the difference of opinion that we shared was what attracted me to her. In pretty much every aspect of life, we were poles apart. I was a shy, young, struggling writer. On the other hand, she was a dynamic, freeflowing, spontaneous lady. But our love for art, literature, travelling and adventure brought us together. Introduced by a common friend, we dated for about 2 years before getting hitched. Ours was a picture perfect marriage, as if she completed all my shortcomings and vice versa. We wanted to complete our family and so we decieded to have a child. everybody was so happy when she broke the news. It was the perfect little cherry on top of the cake. But, as the saying goes, you cannot have the cake and eat it too.
                                                  In an unfortunate series of events, we lost our baby... I rushed to the hospital to see her, but she was unconcious. She had met with a road accident. I should never have allowed her to take the cab. I had to deliver a guest lecture that morning in the university and she insisted me to take the car. I should've dropped her to work. Oh God! why didnt I?? she was 5 months pregnant... wht was i thinking?? My mother in law was already there, looking at me as though it was all my fault... Offcourse it was....
She was in a  complete state of shock after she recovered. She didnt even cry. I didnt know what to say. At times I thought talking about it may ease her pain but then I thought, it will also bring back those painful memories of our anxiety, anticipation, expectations and preperation of parenthood. She joined work o the 10th day itself. Her mom stayed wit us for 4 weeks to help us with the household work but eventually, she had to go too. Our home was becoming like a dumping ground. everything out of place, so unlike my wife. Friends stopped coming over, we stopped going out. Everyone was afraid of saying something wrong. We talked for the bare minimum. She stopped cooking. Most of the times, I had to forcibly nake her eat. Life had become mechanical, as if, someone really was pulling the strings.
                                                                            I was jolted back to my senses by a knock on the door. When I opened, no one was in sight but a pamplet was sticking out of the door handle. It said-- ELECTRICITY WORK going on, POWER CUT for 2 hrs, every day 8pm - 10pm, for 1 week, starting today. Power cuts were fairly unusual in this part of the city, so we didnt have an inverter installed. I went to the store to get some candles. I was preparing dinner whn she arrived at 8.15pm. She read the notice lying on the dining table and said,'' so, you had to buy candles and stuff." I said," Ya, we didnt have any. You wont be able to take a shower the geyser wont work. Would you like to hav dinner while it is hot?? I just made it." she replied," O.K, since we have nothing else to do." I dont know whether it was the yellowish tinge of the candle light or the beautiful saree that she was wearing, she seemed so beautiful... yet, so sad. Wrincles were visible on  her forehead, eyes were puffy... I knew she had a hard time sleeping... so did I. We both pretended to be asleep everynight.
                                                                       We finished dinner and she went outside onto the porch and sat on the front steps. I too, joined her to get some fresh air. Mr. and Mrs. Roy and their children were passing by. Mr. Roy, who lived just a few blocks away, looked up to me and said,"going for an ice-cream. Nothing better to do at home." Mrs. Roy looked at us and asked," Would you two like to join us??" I looked at her when she smiled and politely declined  the offer. We just sat there, silently, untill the lights came back. she said," I am going to take a shower and turn in. I am dead tired. Good night." "Good night." I replied.
                                                                         The next day, we were again sitting on the front steps after the dinner, when she suddenly said,"Lets do something to kill time. Let us play a little game we used to play at my granny's place. each of us will tell something about ourselves that nobody else knows till now."
"Fine," I said, "But lets start with you."
 She started thinking and said," O.K, wht I havent told you... O.K... when we were in college, we went to this fancy restaurant for a friend's birthday dinner. We were all chatting, when a friend of mine, came running up to me and said that one of friends is choking and he cannot breathe. I just ran with him, not caring where i was headin to. When we reached our friend, he was lying on ground , coughin, i sat besides him and asked him to open his mouth. Suddenly, he looked at me and started laughing. I looked around and saw that everybody is looking at me and laughing. It was a whole minute before I realised that I was actually in a men's washroom. GOD, it was so embarrasing! After we sat down, everybody in the restaurant kept looking at me wnd laughing.." We both started laughing. she always looked so lively when she laughed. "O.K, now its your turn." , she said.
                                               '' Last year, when I told you that I am going with my friends to have dinner, actually I was with a publisher. her name is Radhika. I didnt tell you because I thought it will make you upset but I wanted to confess, so, thats it." I looked at her and saw her face, deep in thought. After quite som time, she said," I never had any prolems of your asociations with females. I dont think I will ever have. Your work demands it  and I m fine with it. NO big deal." Just then, the lights came on and we both retreated into the house.
                                                       Next few days went by in a flash of lightning,  each day , I had this wierd sense that I am going on a date with someone I have never met before. It was so surprising that we still had so much to know about each other. I told her about forgotten birthdays and aniversaries, silent crushes in college and lots of other things that I guess we never thought were worth mentioning to each other. She told me how she had arranged a party for  her college friends when I was out of town and  how these people hd got drunk and did rowdy things. It was so much fun! she said. She didnt tell me because I never touch alcohol and she is quite fond of it, but I got no problem if she drinks.
                                                              All of a sudden, I realised, that it was the last day of power cut and some part of my heart  just wanted this to never end. She insisted on cooking that day...... after such a long time. We were having dinner, when she commented on her own food,"Oh God ! This tastes aweful... I am so sorry you have to eat that. I looked at her and said, Not at all, you just lost your touch, dont worry, you'll come back. Or it might be due to the fact that now you are used to eating some fabulous food cooked by me!!!! She started smiling... Her beautiful smile... like a ray of sunshine.. Oh God I missed it so much.... She had put on my fav saree, I got some scented candles from the store and the radio was playing a beautiful  romantic number. And I couldnt help but wonder.... she was so gorgeous... even after all these  years of marriage. I had the urge to grab her hand lying there on the table... but I couldnt.... I just couldnt.
                                                              We went on to sit on the porch and she started abruptly," The day before our marriage, I was  really, really nervous. I guess I had cold feet and I seriously thought of walking out on  you." I just looked at her in complete disbelief, unabe to utter anything. She continued,"But please, let me explain, I was just insecure, I thought, maybe, I am not ready for such a big responsibility. Eventually when I did it,  I am really really glad I ttook that step. It would've been foolish, not to marry you. Seriously." She was looking at her feet, as if ashamed of herself.
                                                                            I dont know whether it was her startling confession about the lack of faith she had in our relationship, or was it the fact that I so wanted to remove the burden off my shoulders, out of the blue, I blurted out---" IT WAS A GIRL".  Instantaneously, she looked at me and I was staring at n ocean af sadness in her eyes. Her face was expressionless, but as always, her eyes said it all, and more. For months I was debating with myself whether or not, to tell her this. The doctor had told me when she was unconcious. We had decieded not to determine the sex of ouy baby. But we both wanted a girl, she more than me. Tears were streaming down her cheeks. I grabbed her hand and moved closer. Before I could say something, she hugged me and we both started sobbing uncontrollaby. She muttered, "I am so so sorry. I am sorry." I tried to console her by saying it is  O. K but  deep down, we both knew it wasnt. It was my fault too. I just managed to say," Welcome back to life daer. .. Everythings gonna be fine, we are still here for each other... let  us start all over again."
                                                                              The lights came back amidst all the hooting and cheering. The Roy family was walking past our home. Mr. Roy looked at us and said," Thank God, the power cuts are over,.... It was one hell of a week...." And I thought, indeed it was , a hell of a week . It was about time we moved on........
                              Thats all for now.... untill next time, chow!!!!!! hope to write sumthing soon.... take care.....

hello fellas!!!!!!!

I will be posting some stuff here now onwards..... hope you enjoy reading it as much as I do writing it.
Your comments and suggestions are of utmost importance so please feel free to comment :)
I hope to improvise with every new piece that I create, so please bear with me.....
and ya,most importantly, all the characters, stories, events and places are purely fictional.... any similarities are purely co-incidental :):)